Game of Thrones Episode 609 Recap: Battle of the Bastards

In watching this epic episode, when thinking of my recap, I figured I could just write: “Blood. Blood. Death. Guts. Blood. Beheading. Swords. Death. Blood. Explosions. Blood. Blood. Awesome.” But let’s get into a little more detail, shall we? We only have two stories to follow this week.

Let’s start in Meereen. Tyrion is trying to talk his way out of the dangerous situation he has put himself in with Daenerys. It’s like mommy came home to find all the neighborhood kids are blowing up your house. Daenerys isn’t concerned with revenge on Tyrion; she wants to crucify the masters, bomb the fleet of ships, and kill their army. Tyrion warns that this is the kind of technique her father would have used, and suggests an alternative approach. Then a cannonball explodes through the window.

Dany and her court meet with the three masters, who think she is there to surrender. If she abandons the city, she will survive, but the Unsullied will be returned to slavery and the dragons would be killed. Dany laughs and points out that that she is there to discuss their surrender. “My reign has just begun.” Drogon soars overhead, menacingly, lands beside Dany, and accepts her onto his back. The two fly off, knocking over several of the opposing army. The other two dragons explode from their underground dungeon and join their brother in the sky.

The Sons of the Harpy are brutally slaughtering people in the city when thousands of Dothraki swarm them and start lopping off heads. The dragons fly over the fleet of ships and, on Dany’s command, they unleash a torrent of flames, burning a handful of boats and soldiers. This is enough to stop the sea-to-land attacks.

Back on land, Grey Worm gives the opposing forces a chance to fight for those who would not fight for them, or go home to your families. It doesn’t take much thought: they drop their weapons and run. Next, he turns to the three slavers and says one of them has to die. Yezzan is offered up as the sacrifice because he is not high-born. Yezzan drops to his knees, begging for his life. In one clean swoop, Grey Worm slits the throats of the two other slavers. Tyrion goes to Yezzan, still on his knees, and calmly, quietly tells him to go home and tell everyone what happened here, and what will happen if they try to return Meereen to the slavers. Tyrion and the court calmly walk away.

With things now quiet in Meereen, Yara and Theon appear to strike a deal with Dany. Tyrion can’t get past Theon’s time as an *sshole, making fun of his size, and wondering why they should trust someone who killed the Stark boys. Theon insists he did not kill them, and Yara defends her brother, promising he has paid a price. Theon is not fit to lead the Ironborn, and Yara informs Dany that she would be the one taking the Salt Throne. Dany likes this. Yara continues, offering her 100 ships, plus the men to sail them. Yes, Euron will likely come with a thousand ships, but he will insist on marrying Dany. Yara is very flirty with Daenerys, something which Dany does not try to stop, and the women bond over evil men. The two come to an agreement: Yara will be given the Salt Throne and rule the Ironborn. In return, Yara will support Dany’s claim to the Seven Kingdoms. The Iron Islands will gain their independence, but they must abandon their ways of raping and reaving. The women shake on it, and an alliance is formed.

If Meereen was the undercard, Winterfell is the title fight, and this episode lives up to the title, “Battle of the Bastards.”

Jon and Sansa lead their team to meet Ramsay and his supporters. Ramsay expects that they are going to surrender to him and give him back his bride. In return, Ramsay promises pardons to all. “I am a man of mercy,” he smirks. Jon agrees that their armies don’t need to battle and suggests that they end this the old way: Jon versus Ramsay, one on one. Ramsay chuckles. He knows that Jon would win easily, but the Bolton army would slaughter Jon’s ragtag group. Jon wonders if the Bolton army would truly fight, knowing that their leader was not willing to fight himself. Ramsay, in turn, asks if they are willing to let Rickon die. As proof that he has him, he offers up Rickon’s direwolf‘s head. “You are going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton,” Sansa insists. “Sleep well.” She leaves, and Ramsay tells her brother he looks forward to having her back in his bed. The rest of them, he will feed to his dogs, who he hasn’t fed in seven days. It is settled: their armies will battle in the morning.

Jon, Sansa, Davos, and tormund gather that night to lay out their strategy. Jon knew that Ramsay wouldn’t fight man to man, but he wanted to make him angry. The others go to get some rest, while Sansa stays behind to argue with Jon. She knows how Ramsay’s twisted mind works, and how he likes to hurt people. Sansa doesn’t believe they will ever get Rickon back. He is the true heir to Winterfell, and much more a danger to Ramsay than a bastard or a girl. She is scared that they don’t have enough men, and wishes they had waited. Jon knows, and shouts at her. Both are frustrated and angry. Sansa warns Jon that if Ramsay wins, she is not going back to him alive. Jon vows he won’t let Ramsay ever touch her again, but Sansa doesn’t believe anyone can protect her.

Jon goes to Melisandre for advice, and to tell her that if he does die, not to bring him back. The best she can do is “try,” which disturbs Jon. Melisandre explains she serves the Lord of Light and does as he commands, interpreting his signs as best as she can. She believes that he wanted Jon to come back to life; after all, how else would she be able to bring Jon back? She suggests that he may have been brought back to die again. “What kind of god would do that?” Jon asks, horrified. “The one we’ve got,” she says.

Davos and Tormund discuss Stannis, how they both believed in him and were both proven wrong. “Maybe that was our mistake; believing in kings,” Davos says thoughtfully. “Jon is not a king,” Tormund points out. Davos walks on his own, through the night, and comes to the spot where Shireen was burned. He finds the little toy he gave her. The sun comes up, and the war horns are blown.

It’s time for war. Jon’s army is gathered, a ragtag bunch made up of mostly wildlings. A great distance away is the Bolton army. They are tidy and well-formed, and stand behind a number of skinned men, flaming on wooden crosses. You know, in case anyone forgot who they were fighting. Ramsay slowly rides his horse through the ranks, pulling something behind him on a rope. At the front of the ranks, Ramsay dismounts and continues into the field, revealing Rickon, alive, is tied to the end of the rope. Jon can’t believe his eyes, and watches as Ramsay and Rickon move into the battlefield. Ramsay raises his sword, and Jon dismounts in fear. Ramsay only takes out his sword to cut Rickon free of his binds. He wants to play a game: if Rickon can run across the field to Jon, he can stay with his brother. Rickon moves forward, uncertain about what the “catch” is. Ramsay is brought a bow and arrow. There is the catch. Rickon races across the battlefield. Seeing what is going on, Jon mounts up and rushes to try to catch Rickon. Ramsay starts firing arrows. One shot; he misses. He misses a second time. And a third. Clearly, Ramsay is toying with them. As Jon comes within a few arms lengths of his little brother, Rickon is hit in the chest with an arrow. Rickon drops, and Jon watches in horror as Rickon dies a few breaths later. Tormund, back with the rest of the army, mutters, “Don’t.” He knows this is a trap – and Jon falls for it. With rage in his eyes, Jon rushes into battle.

Ramsay’s men unleash a barrage of arrows into the air. One of them take out Jon’s horse, at which point Ramsay sends out his cavalry. Jon nods, and figures if he is going to go out, he will go out swinging. With sword in hand, Jon steps into battle, but his own cavalry cut him off. There is a tidal wave of horses and soldiers and blood and bodies. The Snow army readies their arrows, but Davos warns them not to; they are likely to kill their own men. Ramsay isn’t concerned about this, and his archery team send out scores of arrows.

Jon does a damn fine job in the chaos around him. It is a desperate, bloody fight, and soon a wall of dead men and horses form. Back with the rest of the troops, Davos leads the rest of the troops into battle, swords drawn. This seems to be what Ramsay was waiting for, and sends the rest of his troops into battle. Ramsay stays far behind.

The Bolton troops create a shield wall around the Snow army, trapping them. They move forward, spearing the men directly in front of them; crushing those behind. Jon realizes he fell into Ramsay’s trap. The fight becomes intensely brutal and bloody. Wun-Wun tears a guy in half with his bare hands. Another stampede of Bolton forces enter the fray, and Tormund faces off against Smalljon Umber. Jon is getting trampled in the mess, in a scene that is oppressively claustrophobic. He finally claws his way to the top of the pile he was buried in, and grabs a breath of air. A horn blows, which perhaps distracts Smalljon long enough that Tormund rips out Smalljon’s throat with his teeth.

Out of nowhere, thousands of troops rush into battle. They are the Knights of the Vale, led by Sansa and Littlefinger. The Vale troops plunge through the Bolton stronghold, literally wiping them out. Jon climbs to the top of the pile of dead, eyes on Ramsay. Ramsay and two of his commanders watch the spectacle unfold, and they rush back to Winterfell. Jon, Wun-Wun, and Tormund give chase.

Back at the castle, Ramsay is certain they can wait out whatever siege Jon is planning. After all, both armies have been wiped out. But Jon has a giant on his side, and Wun-Wun makes kindling out of the castle doors. Wun-Wun is hit with a bunch of arrows, and while they eventually slow him, they don’t stop him. The rest of Jon’s army floods into the castle in the nick of time: Wun-Wun is slowed by the immense number of arrows, but he is still alive – until Ramsay hits him through the eye with an arrow. Wun-Wun is no more.

Ramsay informs Jon he has “reconsidered” Jon’s suggestion of one-on-one combat. Knowing Ramsay has a bow and arrows, Jon drops his sword and picks up a shield. He easily catches each arrow in the shield until he gets to Ramsay, then he beats the living hell out of him. He punches Ramsay in the face, over and over, until it is a bloody, mushy mess. He stops when he sees Sansa watching. Ramsay is her kill. The Bolton banners drop, and the Stark banners go up.

Rickon’s body is brought to Jon, who will bury his brother beside Ned in the family crypt. Sansa is next in line, and she has only one question: “Where is he?”

In the cellar, Ramsay is very, very bloody, tied to a chair. Ramsay, ever the d*ck, points out that Sansa can’t kill him; he is a part of her now. She assures him that his name and his memory will disappear forever. From the corner of the cellar, there are growls. He is locked in with his dogs, which he proudly starved for a week. With undeserved confidence, Ramsay assures Sansa his dogs are loyal and won’t harm him. The hounds start sniffing him… start licking him… and when they smell fresh meat, they literally tear Ramsay apart. Sansa watches for a minute, then walks away. And smiles.

You can watch a preview for the Game of Thrones Season 6 finale by clicking here.